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Divorce and Rowing to Emotional Recovery
from: Colin KennedyDivorce and Rowing to Emotional Recovery
Late summer of '92. Bent over, arms on knees, resting, trying to
recover from a long hard row against the tidal current. Pleased
with this not-so-easy accomplishment. Too bad there wasn't an
audience, someone to do the clapping, to deliver accolades. She
is no longer here, my wife. Perhaps she is with him right now.
Having a morning coffee, or sharing a shower.
Back then, before the recovery, I was adrift and afloat in
self-pity. Wondering for the hundredth time. What did I do to
deserve this? Why me? Why did our friends abandon me too? The
questions unanswered, floating out to sea, then sinking.
It's was like this for a while, owning this deep feeling of loss
and hope. Still expecting her to show up at our favourite
dock-side restaurant, her smile radiating, her arms open. At
home the deck lights were always on, waiting her return. Sitting
at the window, watching the rain, waiting for the taxi.
The emotional steps leading from the first shock of betrayal to
the cleansing action of divorce is similar to the steps dealing
with death. And in the early stages I sometimes preferred death.
Friends tried to help with their professional advice, mostly
they said it will get better with time. "You'll be fine." "You
just need time to heal" That was a good one, like if it were
only as simple as a broken leg, or hole in the hull. Those I
could fight, those I could understand. Friends told me about:
- Denial
- Anger , resentment and fear
- Withdrawal and grieving
- Acceptance
- Action
Did I listen then? I said I did, but in the early stages it's
impossible. Months later, visiting a friend in a hospital room I
found myself saying the same things. My words sounding terribly
false and hollow against his real pain, his discomfort and fear.
"You'll be fine" In his case, like mine, it was true, we both
recovered.
I remember my anger, experiencing it as feeling down or
depressed. Left unresolved, this anger could have ruined my
career, business opportunities and my health. All of these
feelings lowered my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. At this
point, motivation and drive to try new things disappeared,
resulting in less and less confidence in my abilities.
I began to worry and over-think, creating feelings of anxiety. I
worried about many things, especially not ever letting anyone
into my life. I could justify being a castaway, safely at
anchor, alone. I continued to have work problems and developed a
sleep disorder. I found comfort in plotting fanciful revenge. If
left unchecked this pattern would continue into a downward
spiral, creating more fear, more anger or depression lower
self-esteem and more worry and anxiety.
The simple truth is that I had a good marriage with a good wife.
She left. Yes I had generous feelings of betrayal; how could she
do this to me? I had constant feelings of loss. Driving our car,
turning to see the passenger seat empty would fill me with
unseen tears. Somehow things changed for me; sure the counseling
helped, but mostly the change happened when I finally gave
myself permission to move on. To accept things for what they
are, to accept the new opportunities, to see the door open, not
closed.
I dreaded the thought of divorce. I had worried about divorce
for a long time before I had the nerve and courage to take this
final action. I spend many nights saying it was OK to do it,
then I'd put it off for one good reason after another. I told
myself the money was too tight, knowing the lie. I told myself I
would do it after the holidays, or maybe next month, or next
week. Intellectually I was aware of the immediate benefits of
getting divorced, and since there was nobody seeking my hand I
kept postponing, procrastinating. The day I filed my divorce
papers was a day of discovery. I discovered relief from anxiety
and a freedom I did not expect. The day I filed was a day of new
beginnings, a day of new life.
About the author:
The published author is a sailor and divorce consultant, you may
contact him and discover resources about Canadian divorce and
separation at http://www.candivorce.ca
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